Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Fortean Times in Cow Hampshire
Republicans
Mitt wins solidly and recovers footing until Super Tuesday, when a late Giuliani surge remains an outside possibility. Clock strikes 14:30 for Huckabee, who stays in for one more victory lap in South Carolina. Giuliani, who until a month or two ago looked like he could at least place, chills with his gay roommates on South Beach waiting to spring his Florida Trap, now claims that due to a misunderstanding of Scottish case law, that under the Webster-Ashburton treaty of 1842, all of New Hampshire should actually be considered part of the independent Republic of Indian Stream and thus not an actual US election. McCain, reeling from the loss of independents to Obama (thereby revealing how weak he is among Republicans), gives up the good fight, and in a surprise twist endorses Rudy, who is actually the closest policy-wise and the only one with an actual chance of beating Mitt.
Democrats
Obama breaks 50%, Hillary does what her husband couldn't and exits gracefully at the right time, leaving John Edwards with the choice of running for VP again or trying to consolidate the roughly 60% of Iowa Democrats who voted for someone other than Obama. Counter-intuitive truth: an early win is bad news for Obama, whose substance-free campaign style could prove surprisingly weak in the face of a master of management like Romney. Another month or two of Hillary and Edwards firing for effect would do a lot to reveal and patch weaknesses before the real fight.
Extra Credit: Want to know how to make all manner of otherwise skeptical 'merkans comfortable with the idea of a president who wears "temple undergarments?" Running a black liberal whose middle name is Hussein is a pretty good way. Just saying!
Extra Credit II: Immigration will emerge as the sleeper issue in the general election. Discuss! ¶ 6:15 AM
Republicans
Mitt wins solidly and recovers footing until Super Tuesday, when a late Giuliani surge remains an outside possibility. Clock strikes 14:30 for Huckabee, who stays in for one more victory lap in South Carolina. Giuliani, who until a month or two ago looked like he could at least place, chills with his gay roommates on South Beach waiting to spring his Florida Trap, now claims that due to a misunderstanding of Scottish case law, that under the Webster-Ashburton treaty of 1842, all of New Hampshire should actually be considered part of the independent Republic of Indian Stream and thus not an actual US election. McCain, reeling from the loss of independents to Obama (thereby revealing how weak he is among Republicans), gives up the good fight, and in a surprise twist endorses Rudy, who is actually the closest policy-wise and the only one with an actual chance of beating Mitt.
Democrats
Obama breaks 50%, Hillary does what her husband couldn't and exits gracefully at the right time, leaving John Edwards with the choice of running for VP again or trying to consolidate the roughly 60% of Iowa Democrats who voted for someone other than Obama. Counter-intuitive truth: an early win is bad news for Obama, whose substance-free campaign style could prove surprisingly weak in the face of a master of management like Romney. Another month or two of Hillary and Edwards firing for effect would do a lot to reveal and patch weaknesses before the real fight.
Extra Credit: Want to know how to make all manner of otherwise skeptical 'merkans comfortable with the idea of a president who wears "temple undergarments?" Running a black liberal whose middle name is Hussein is a pretty good way. Just saying!
Extra Credit II: Immigration will emerge as the sleeper issue in the general election. Discuss! ¶ 6:15 AM
